coolmonkey's Xanga

Let's Play "Spot the Conservatives"

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 23:51:25 GMT

Go.

What's the Difference Between Memorial Day and Veteran's Day?

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 18:39:44 GMT

Well, Memorial Day was originally "Decoration Day," which was created to honor the men that lost their lives in the Civil War. Eventually, it extended itself to umbrella all soldiers that died in every war America fought. And it's pretty much that simple.

Veteran's Day, on the other hand, used to be called "Armistice Day," which commemorated the end of WW1 in Europe. The Germans signed the which ended the war on the 11th day of the 11th month at the 11th hour, hence why the holiday is on 11/11. However, in 1954, the government was going through a hyper-patriotism moment and apparently decided that "Armistice Day" just wasn't American enough, and so they changed it to "Veteran's Day" and airbrushed the European history out of the holiday. Instead, it seems we pretty much get two Memorial Days. Mind you, this was the same year that Congress officially drafted the phrase "Under God" into the Pledge of Allegiance (that's right, the Founding Fathers never intended it to be there). In fact, "In God We Trust" wasn't the official national motto until 1956, two years later.

The Xanga Product Placement Conspiracy Theory

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 04:42:43 GMT

I don't know if any of you have noticed, but if you hurry, you might catch that the Featured page happens to have 3 blogs involving Disney (2 for the princesses and 1 for Mickey). Does anyone else find that a little odd? I mean, of all the things to "coincidentally" feature, they all involve Disney? Is there any way to find out if Disney just bought a chunk of Xanga? Also, notice that Walmart can also be seen in at least 3 different places on the front page mixed in with the ISH sites. After noticing this bizarre situation, I started to think back and had a Russel Crow "A Beautiful Mind" moment.

I remember a long time ago that Mancouch did a blog about male body wash or lotion. It seemed very peculiar because they tried to pass off the advertisement as an ordinary blog by a typical Xanganite. They even went with the obligatory ISH'ness of asking an inane question at the end like,"would you buy something like this?" But the post just stunk of blatant commercialism. It was so obvious that company just paid Xanga off to advertise their product. When I called them out on it with a comment, I was surprised that later that day, they had disabled the comment box, which is completely unheard of for an ISH site. Why would you ever want to discourage comment traffic?

Then the big lightbulb went off in my head. What does Xanga have to gain from all their Yellow Fever posts? I kick myself for not thinking of this sooner. How many times have you noticed an ad at the side of your window that advertised an Asian Dating site or some Mail Order Bride Service? The Asian fetish posts on Xanga are jsut a clever way of attracting Asian dating ads to this site for a much needed revenue injection! I'm sure they have since learned that blatant forms of advertising doesn't work at all, which is why they funnel products through Lovelyish or Hardestlevel in the form of blogs. I suppose I can't be to hard on Xanga, after all, they do have a right to try to make money. But am I on to something, or am I just crazy?

As an experiment, you should try to find a sponsor for Xanga and blog about them and see if you will get featured.

Btw, does anyone know if those math symbols means anything?

The Comedian Rule Book

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 06:26:42 GMT

I've watched a lot of Comedy Central and I think I've seen enough patterns of what works and what doesn't. It's pretty sad when a comedian tells an old joke, or worse, get booed off stage. So I think I should offer all those aspiring jokesters out there some free advice.

1) If you are Black, you get an automatic 10 funny points when you come out on stage. You get that extra advantage because of "good" prejudice. You know, like how you have large penises. But really, we all think you're going to be like a Chris Rock, Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy (when he was funny), the Kings of Comedy, etc for the sole reason that you have the same skin color.

2) If you are White, you get +5 points if you are goofy-looking. First, we feel sympathy for you, and second, if you're weird-looking, you must have some pretty interesting life stories.

3) Asian comedians get +5 points just out of curiosity. Since we are so rare in the comedy world, we get that extra bump.

4) If you are a woman, you get -10 points out of the starting gate. Sorry, but the fact is, female comedians just aren't funny. Exceptions include dykes and Tina Fey. I dunno, I guess it's just most girls can't distinguish the subtle nuances between cracking a joke and complaining. Or maybe it's that they aren't as spot-on about timing and delivery? Perhaps is just that a woman ranting about problems is too tedious and reminds us about girlfriends? I dunno.

5) Keep impersonations to a minimum. If you can do a mean Christopher Walken or a Vietnamese dude, then you're pretty funny already. But make sure you keep your act to 5 sentences, any more than that and it just gets annoying. If you rely solely on impersonations, then you better have a pretty impressive stockpile of voices, like Frank Caliendo.

6) No more airplane jokes. Jerry Seinfeld already killed this act. We all know airplane trips suck. We get it already!

7) No more penis size jokes. Okay, we get it, Black guys have humongous swinging dicks and Asians have little nubs. If you think your routine still needs this dated material, then you really need to come up with something more original. Once you even mention the word "penis" people can spot your punchlines from a mile away. Not only that, but in every act I have seen that incorporated a small dick joke, there are always grumbles in the crowd. If you know it's going to turn off a section of your audience, then why would you willingly try to include it in your act?

8) Stick with what you know. If you don't know anything about Asians, then the last thing you want to do is start with "Ching Chong" talk. If you don't know anything about Black people, don't pull a Michael Richards and go off on a "nigger" spree. All you are going to accomplish is make the whole room really uncomfortable. And for Christ's sake, don't make any Arab jokes lest you get a fatwah declared on you.

9) Someone must be dead at least a week before you can joke about them.

10) If you make a shitty joke, don't try to move on a pretend it never happened. It will be stuck in yours and the audience's mind and it will totally affect the rest of your act. You can tell it from your nervous flinching and stuttering voice as you try desperately to salvage yourself. Instead, study how Conan O'Brien picks up his fumbles. He is a master at defusing a bomb and making people accept a terrible joke and move on. You can write crap for him and he can turn it into copper (not quite gold). If you don't do an early abortion on a bad joke, then you are doomed to fail.

Beginner's Guide to ISH Sites

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 20:35:25 GMT

If you're new to Xanga (or you just don't care about ISH sites), you'll notice a cluster of 12 mini-sites at the bottom of the front page. If you are confused and wonder which one you'll find interesting, then this is the perfect post for you.

1) Xanga- Why does Xanga have a mini-site that just lists the top 4 Featured Blogs that you just scrolled past to get down to the ISH site section? The world may never know.

2) Revelife- Are you a Christian fundamentalist/extremist? Do you hate homosexuals? Do you distrust Evolution? Do you hate anything remotely fun? Do you consider yourself to be above all non-Christians? Then this site is perfect for you!

3) Momaroo- You'll need 2 things to find this site anywhere near interesting, (1) a vagina (2) a baby.

4) Datingish- A bunch of prepubescent teenagers or romantically challenged bloggers trying to get relationship advice from complete strangers over the internet. Most common comment on the site: "you need to break up with him."

5) Healthkicker- The most socially irresponsible thing to exist on Xanga. While other sites are mostly based on opinions or stories, Healthkicker actually tries to pass itself off as legitimate health advice. This can be downright dangerous because none of the bloggers here are professional nutritionists or health experts. You're getting health advice from complete amateurs that have access to computers.

6) Dollarish- Of all the ISH sites, this one is probably the most helpful. It actually gives you sound financial advice and educates you about money matters. So, naturally, this is one of the least visited ISH site.

7) Lovelyish- This is what you get when a bunch of teenage girls get computers and trash talk celebrities, gossip, and give make-up tips. Occasionally they will instigate a war over fat girls vs skinny girls to claim the mantle of "real beauty."

8) Mancouch- I was initially stoked about having a site for men. Unfortunately, it has been rather disappointing. To me, it just feels too watered down and isn't allowed to reach its full potential. It needs to get raunchier, have more swearing, and feature naked chicks. But since the majority of comments come from chicks, it really dilutes a true Man Show-type blog.

9) Tripcrazed- It's actually a pretty handy travel blog because you get firsthand stories from travelers which separates it from your ordinary travel catalog.

10) I Really Like Food- This is pretty much a bastard child of Healthkicker and can easily be integrated into it.

11) Hardest Level- Essentially a bastard child of Mancouch.

12) Autisable- To find this site interesting, you need to intimately know someone that is autistic, and you have to be aggressively militant about defending them in every possible way. Your hobbies must include scouring the internet for anyone using the word "retard" and trying to convince them that they are ignorant assholes. It is not uncommon to see 0 comments for their posts. How they managed to get their own ISH site is beyond me.

This Lady Does Not Help the Asian Lady Driver Stereotype

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 00:41:46 GMT

Taken from an AP news story:

"SEOUL, South Korea – A woman in South Korea who tried to pass the written exam for a driver's license with near-daily attempts since April 2005 has finally succeeded on her 950th time. The aspiring driver spent more than 5 million won ($4,200) in application fees, but until now had failed to score the minimum 60 out of a possible 100 points needed to get behind the wheel for a driving test.

Cha Sa-soon, 68, finally passed the written exam with a score of 60 on Wednesday, said Choi Young-chul, a police official at the drivers' license agency in Jeonju, 130 miles (210 kilometers) south of Seoul.

Police said Cha took the test hundreds of times, but had no specific total. Local media said she took the test 950 times.

Now she must pass a driving test before getting her license, Choi said.

Repeated calls to Cha seeking comment went unanswered. She told the Korea Times newspaper she needed the license for her vegetable-selling business."

I pity the people in Korea. If you see her coming down the street, run for your lives!

I Support Interspecies Marriage

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 02:23:16 GMT

A common comeback I hear from the Anti-Gay Marriage camp is that, if we let homosexuals marry, then that will lead to a slippery slope where people will be allowed to marry their dogs. My response to that is: So what? These same bigots made similar statements in attempts to block interracial marriage back in the day. So why do people make a fuss over judges that refuse to allow an interracial couple to marry as opposed to a gay couple? It really makes no sense. In America, we are granted the right to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." If anyone infringes upon these fundamental rights, then a crime is committed. If gays are allowed to marry, what crime are they committing? In fact, I believe we are committing a crime by refusing to let them live their lives freely. We are not letting them live fair lives, we don't give them equal liberties, and we obstruct their pursuit of happiness. And if you wanted to push it to the extreme, if someone wanted to marry their dog, why is it any of our business?

Let's forget for a minute the absurdity of such claims. First of all, the marriage can't be recognized since animals can't sign contracts. But even if they could, why can't we let people marry animals? If a farmer has sex with his goat, who is that hurting? If a lady wants to ride her horse upside down, who are we to stop her? Hell, why are we even arresting people that have sex with bicycles? These people get arrested and charged just for having sex, never mind marriage! We don't even arrest people engaged in gay sex. I mean, sure, bestiality enthusiasts may be weird, gross, and freaky but who are we to judge them? If nobody is being hurt and nobody is having their rights infringed upon, then why not let them live their lives freely? Let's just let people marry whoever and whatever they want.

And for the record, I would never have sex with an animal. Just because I support someone doing it doesn't mean I would practice it, just like supporting Gay Marriage doesn't make me gay.

Two Girlfriend Experiment Results

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 05:58:06 GMT

Objective: Determine whether it was possible to have two girlfriends at the same time with them having full knowledge of each other. If so, then it must be determined if it was feasible to maintain such a relationship.

Introduction of Subjects:

Subject A- Someone I have casually dated for about a year. At most I would see her about once a week, around 3 times a month. I suppose you could refer to her as a friend with benefits.

Subject B- Some chick I met at an event. She was considerably older and seemed financially and personally independent. She appeared to be a perfect candidate for my test trial.

Stage 1: Very tactfully tell Subject A that I am seeing Subject B and vice versa. Both seem to be in a state of confusion. Surprised that they have not slapped or cussed me out. Instead, they seem to be more curious than angry. Decide to keep them as isolated from each other as possible as a precaution.

Stage 2: Subjects seem to be responding well to the experiment. Several weeks, if not months have passed. On occasion, Subject B would inquire about Subject A and vice versa. Once again, honesty seems to pacify them. Other than those instances, everything appears to be normal.

Stage 3: A few months later, both subjects are increasingly engaging in subversive quips. Girls are now fighting over weekend rights in spirited competition. Frequency of bitchiness has reached elevated levels in both women. Blame it on PMS.

Stage 4: Facebook wall and tagged photo section being bombarded by both subjects in an arms race to outdo each other. Tired of constant deleting all their posts. Turning wall and photos off.

Stage 5: Subject A is starting to call more often. She never used to call. Subject B is throwing tantrums. How many times a month do girls PMS?

Stage 6: In one week had to deal with 2 crying girls.

Stage 7: Abandoning experiment. Can't handle this anymore.

Conclusion: Experiment is deemed a failure. Dating two girls is possible, but by no means advisable. Initially, the study seemed promising, but totally not worth the ensuing headache and stress. Single life is confirmed as still being the best lifestyle so far.

Obama Hates Humans and Supports the Invasion of Aliens From Outer Space

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 04:35:53 GMT

Last week, President Barack Hussein Obama authorized a $680 billion defense spending bill. In this Defense Authorization bill, the President has slapped the faces of the benevolent Military Industrial Complex (MIC) by cutting spending on "wasteful" projects such as the F-22s, Future Combat Systems, fancy helicopters, super lasers, etc. I mean, sure, the MIC makes a killing off war profiteering and is the largest lobbying group in the US, but they are looking out for the good of mankind! Don't let this guise of fiscal responsibility fool you, all Obama is doing is priming us for the impending alien invasion. Ever wonder why the guy doesn't have a birth certificate? The Republicans are wrong. He wasn't born in Kenya, he was born in OUTER SPACE!

It is a known fact that the only people in the world that can fight off an alien invasion are Americans, with our can-do spirit, feisty stubbornness, and kickass weapons. In every movie, we're the ones that beat those extra-terrestrials dead. It was us that whooped the Decepticons. Were the space marines in the Alien movies speaking Chinese? NO! Who figured out the trick to wiping out the space invaders in Independence Day? Give you a clue: It wasn't the French. And who killed off the aliens in War of the Worlds? American germs. President Obama knows this and that is exactly why he is cutting future tech so he can make us too weak to stand up against these intergalactic attackers. Where will our force fields be to defend us from orbital bombardment from their photon beams? Where will we get rail guns to breach the hulls of their space cruisers? What about our exo-frames and super soldier programs to fight their shock troops? What about the psionic barriers to shield us from their mind control rays?

And now the alien scum wants to redirect funding to useless things like health care and fighting Global Climate Change. Pfffft. What good are those things when all of us are dead? Who cares about health care when you are being used as slave labor, hunted for food or sport, or used as host incubators for their offspring? And of course he wants to manipulate our planet's climate, he needs to create the perfect living conditions for his species. I say, let's pollute the Earth more so it's uninhabitable to their standards! Let's let those millions of uninsured Americans die quickly and use that money to spend on laser cannons so their deaths weren't in vain! Let's teach those aliens a lesson!

And what about his weak foreign policy? Of course he's going to take the wimpy route of doing girly things like talking about your problems and trying to figure people out. Who needs world peace? War is what makes nations strong. If we are going to stand any chance of surviving the alien invasion, we have to be in a constant state of war so our weapons can develop to the same level as we imagine theirs to be. The enemy knows that a world at peace is easy pickings. Bush has the right idea by going around picking fights and not caring what the rest of the world thought. He made sure that we had the biggest stick around and that it was only going to get bigger. But now that Obama wants the silly notion of peace, we are totally screwed.

Obama doesn't just hate America, he hates Earth!

The Mommy Complex: Downside of Dating Older Women

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 01:46:49 GMT

The general trend is that single women over 30 are, by far, easier to get with than women under 21. I've stated the reasons for this in the past and I don't really feel like digging back to link it. Up to now, most of my relationships with older women don't last very long at all. But if you do stick with one long enough, you will suffer the fate of the dreaded "Mommy Complex."

I don't know if it's something with the female inner workings or whatnot, but at that age, it feels like they turn their boy toys into a kind of proxy for a child, or perhaps a small pet. Usually these types of women will have a purse poodle or a horde of cats (what do you call a group of cats?) to occupy their time and love. But nothing can replace the affection of an actual human being, and this is where the young lads come into play. When a 35-year-old woman snags a 25-year-old guy, she can have a young man to have sex with her as well as somebody to take care of. It's the best of both worlds!

However, this phenomenon can go downhill fast. Once the novelty of banging an older chick wears off, you're stuck with a naggy and controlling woman. What makes this different than any other girl you get into a relationship? Well, not much I suppose, except for the fact that she does it like a mom, which only adds to the awkward levels. Sure, she'll pay for your meals, let you live in her place rent-free, and buy you an iphone (older single women have a surprisingly large amount of disposable income), but all of that comes with strings attached. Because once you give the slightest hint of leaving, they will guilt you out of it by wailing about how well they have treated you and how you're so inconsiderate that you would even think of walking out. Pretty much, the more she spends on you, the tighter her grip will be on you.

Not only that, but your maturity level actually starts to decline. This is because they praise and encourage acts of youth. It's in their best interest to prevent you from growing up to be a douche bag like all her other past exes. In order to do that, she has to stunt your mental and personal growth so she can keep you where she wants you. This also has the secondary effect of torpedoing your chances at women your own age because they want more mature men. What a 30-year-old finds "cute" is not the same as what a 20-year-old finds "cute."

As such, my advice for men considering dating a woman +5 years older than you: Only stay in it for 4 weeks. Trust me, you do not want another mother in your life. Exceptions include if that particular cougar is worth millions, if not billions in assets and the concept of a prenup is unheard of to her.