Why do we keep spelling out the word "though" even though "tho" would suffice? The same goes with "through." Can't we just say "thru?" I mean, is there some Congress we have to go through to appeal the way we spell things? "Though" and "through" are so similarly spelled which leads to confusion, not to mention some people don't know how to properly spell them. It really isn't about dumbing ourselves down, I just think it's completely unnecessary and we should really simplify them. China is simplifying their characters, so can't we do the same?
I am not the nostalgic type, and as a result, I do not bother carrying with me many memories after a 5 year period. I'm not sure what that extra memory space is used for (probably padding for alcohol), but it certainly doesn't retain much from my childhood, and now I hardly remember events from high school. So when I actually recall an event that happened in kindergarten, it is a real treat.
I remember back when I was in kindergarten, we took a school field trip to the La Brea tar pits, as I‘m sure most kids have if they live within 50 miles of LA. One image in particular stood out in my mind. It was a picture of a woolly mammoth sinking in tar while a saber-toothed tiger was attacking it on its back. At the time, I thought it was the coolest thing ever. I wanted to stand there all day admiring such a kickass piece of work, but unfortunately, the teachers were steering us like a bunch of sheep to the other exhibits. On the way back on the bus, all I did was daydream about saber-tooth tigers attacking mammoths in tar pits.
The next day at recess, I walked up to a girl and asked if she wanted to play saber-toothed tiger vs. woolly mammoth. For whatever reason, she agreed. Now, I don’t remember the nature of my relationship with her, whether we were good friends or if it was just a random encounter. Hell, I don’t even remember her name or what she looked like. But what I can remember was that it felt really good when we were playing, especially “down there.” I was reenacting the image I saw so I was mounting her on the back while she pretended to be stuck in tar. At the time, I had no idea what sex or dry humping was. All I knew was that saber-tooth tigers must have had a pretty damned good time back in the day. But in hindsight, I was totally dry humping the poor girl. Then again, I can’t really feel guilty because she always wanted to be the woolly mammoth, so who’s the freak now?
I don’t know how often we played that game, but I do remember this one day when we were in the act, a second boy came up and asked if he could play too. I didn’t think anything was wrong and she didn’t seem to mind, so we let him pounce right in. So there we were, 2 boys growling and humping (er, I mean pouncing) and a girl making mammoth sounds (at least what we thought a mammoth would sound like) while writhing in the sand box. I can’t begin to imagine what our play time looked like from a third-person perspective. That was essentially my first threesome experience, before I even knew what it was. Needless to say, when the horrified teacher caught us in what she probably mistook for an adult activity only an adult mind could imagine, she immediately pulled us apart.
Teacher: What do you think you three are doing!?!?!!?
Us: We were just playing saber-tooth tigers.
Teacher: Well why were you both on *insert girl’s name*?
Us: Because she’s the woolly mammoth.
Teacher: Well stop it. If I catch any of you playing that again, you will get a time-out!
As you can imagine, after that day of being threatened by the dreaded timeout, we never played saber-toothed tiger vs. woolly mammoth again. Once we got out of kindergarten, we went to different schools and I never saw that girl again. Eventually, my child mind moved onto bigger and better things like Star Wars and Legos and let her fade into oblivion. To this day, I can’t help but smile at the idea that, somewhere out there, there’s a grown woman out there that remembers playing a woolly mammoth in kindergarten.
It seems that a lot of Christians conveniently believe the Old Testament (OT) is good until contradicted then they quickly disavow it and opt for the New Testament (NT). While this serves as a clever way of weaseling out of a tight spot in a debate, it made me wonder, why stop at 2 versions? We all know great things come in trilogies. The Bible, being the best seller of all time, was so good that it naturally deserved a sequel in the NT, but isn't it about time we made a 3rd installment? I mean, we haven't had an update in the past couple thousand years. Shouldn't we get an edition that is relevant to the times and speaks for our generation? I mean, the "New" in the NT is pretty much a bunch of rules made by cavemen. For crying out loud, since that time we've landed on the moon, cloned animals, and invented the ipod.
I believe the 21st century needs a new version of the Bible that will address the hard-hitting issues that simply didn't exist back in Bibical times and to clarify some topics that are best not left up to interpretation. In the Bible 3, it should discuss whether or not abortion is murder, whether or not gays should have the right to marry, is Obama the Anti-Christ, and how long should I wait before I call her? If the Bible is as progressive as scholars claim it is, then why isn't it moving forward? And now that we have advanced so far in legal speak, couldn't we get some lawyers in there to draft a bulletproof scripture that takes out all the ambiguities and interpretation? I mean, the Bible was written by men anyway, so why not do it again? America's forefathers drafted the Constitution and crafted our government so they would be able to adapt and survive for centuries. I think it's time the Bible did the same thing.
Republicans Want America to Burn So They Can Take it Back
The clip is pretty self-explanatory. In essence, these Conservative goons are hoping for another massive terrorist attack to prove to Americans that electing Democrats is a mistake. So, in their tortured logic, the only way to keep our country safe is for it to be attacked in a devastating and traumatic way. Brilliant, huh? With whackos like these speaking for Conservatives, I really do look forward to what the future holds for them. They are now so desperate that they want to torch the house down so they can rebuild it. Is hyper-patriotism any different from terrorism? When an American calls for "death to America," shouldn't we stick him in Guantanamo Bay too? Who needs Osama when you have FOX News?
America's engine runs on several dirty little secrets. On one hand, we publicly do not welcome illegal immigrants, but in reality, out economy is delicately intertwined with their cheap labor that undercuts union goons. We publicly condemn sweat shops, but we are not above trampling people to death at a Walmart to get a great deal on products produced by them. And much like the above examples, we are staunchly against unwanted pregnancy, but really, society as we know it can't run without them.
The success of any country is consistent population growth. The theory is that for every elderly person, there will be several younger ones to take care of them, kind of like a giant Ponzi Scheme (if the government does it, it's not illegal). If the population spikes too high, it creates a surplus, which we now know as the ticking time-bomb of the Baby Boomers. When the population dips back down to normal levels, suddenly, the next generation cannot sustain the burden of the previous one. This is why making sure population is on a steady rise is so crucial to our well-being.
Another important part of a successful economy is to make sure there are plenty of worker ants to maintain the lifestyle of the rich. We can either be Capitalists, where there are a few rich people and a lot of poor people, or we can have Communism, where everyone is poor. So for the American Capitalist system to work, you need a bottom-feeder class that is just poor enough to keep working for a buck, but not poor enough that they can't buy the stuff you're selling. We can't all be millionaires, otherwise it would be Communism and a loaf of bread would cost $20 trillion.
Our most reliable blue collar workforce and proletariat class usually stems from unwanted pregnancies. Countless families are formed because some guy accidentally knocked his girlfriend up and they decided to "do the right thing" by marrying. According to a respectable university double-blind study, 74% of us are products of unwanted pregnancies. Meaning, if our parents didn't get drunk and miss the timing on the pullout, then 74% of us wouldn't exist today (okay I made that up). Some will muster enough willpower to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and achieve middle class status, but many fall into the category of poor. After all, it's quite difficult to go to an esteemed university and obtain a rewarding career when you have to take care of a living crap/barf machine. Sure, maybe once in awhile you'll get lucky with an Obama, but look at the privileged upbringing of the past 43 White guys and you'll see the odds are not good.
So how does virginity come into play? Well, it throws a major cog into the machine. If teenagers abstain from sex, we lose a valuable resource of unwanted pregnancies. Who will man the Jiffy Lubes? Who will wash the plates at my favorite restaurant? Who will buy 99% of the junk circulating around to stimulate our economy? Who's going to hook up my cable? More importantly, if less people are having sex, then the population will continue to drop, which means we will create a population deficit which is killing places like Japan. If less people are having irresponsible sex, then naturally, there will be less chance of accidental births. This phenomenon, coupled with people that want to have a lot of sex and never settle down and have kids, such as myself, will create a one-two sucker punch to our population. If nobody picks up the burden of breeding, our economy and way of life will fall apart. This is why I applaud Bristol Palin. She understood how dire this situation is, so she took it upon herself to sacrifice her body, morals, and family image to produce an accidental baby. She is a true patriot.
If half-assed sexual education is scaring kids from sex by showing graphic pictures of STDs and overblowing the chances of condoms breaking, then I propose that we completely do away with sexual education of any kind. We need these kids to start making mistakes to counteract the virgins and abstinence-only programs. Our fate as a nation is at a razor's edge. This is a huge problem that we are going to face if we don't stop it now. Screw Global Climate Change, have sex, damn it!
